As the year closes

Hello dear friend,

If you're reading this, it's probably safe to assume you're one of the very few people who put up with my terrible and infrequent updates. Sorry about that! I had a lot of dreams for 2015, but then again, didn't we all?

2014 was the year I low key quit photography. I recall writing about my angsty existential crisis a few entries ago (which is a sad indicator of how often I updated this erp!) but the quick sparknotes version is that photography had become something that brought me a lot of stress and sadness. It's one thing when other people don't believe in you, but it's pretty heartbreaking when you don't believe in you.

I was caught in a web of my own overthinking for months. On some forgotten date last winter break that I will always remember, I paced around my bathroom (where all brilliant life decisions are made, naturally) and decided that if I was going to fail, it would only be via confirmation. It's easier to give up rather than risk failing spectacularly, but if you don't try then you fail automatically. To reiterate a little sports cliché, you miss all the shots you don't take.

I pulled out my phone and spent over an hour typing a fb post asking my schoolmates if any models or make up artists wanted to collaborate with me on a creative project. I was terrified. And I didn't have a creative project in mind either. I was so scared that nobody would respond and my post would sink to the depths of the internet, ignored by all but a painful eternal reminder to myself that I couldn't get past the beginning hurdle. I was scared of being called out on being less than who I wanted to be.

Looking back, this was highly dramatic. I wish I could tell my past self to relax. I would tell past-me that even if nobody responds, there are still many other channels to try. But at the time I needed to know somebody believed in me enough to want to work with me. I refreshed the page incessantly. One notification. My friend commented and said I'd made a typo. God dammit.

Fast forwarding, the creative project I alluded to in my fb post saturated with insecurities ended up being the Fusia project. It may be a somewhat disjointed little photo series, but it gave the courage to keep expecting better from myself. Since then, I created a research based photo series over the summer in Shanghai. And from there, I obtained special permission to shoot in a private Florentine villa last semester. And from there, I've shot my first boudoir photoshoot yesterday.

This past year I have worked with many wonderful people to create photographs that encapsulate hours of hard work and represent immeasurable precious memories. It's not a happy ending, because I  am definitely happy but this is definitely not the ending.

Dear reader, I hope you had a meaningful 2015 and I wish you an even better 2016. Let your heart be the map and see where you may go.

Much love,
Nico